To begin again... or not?

Tomorrow I need to do something.  I am over my food poisoning (the reason I stopped all workouts for awhile) and can actually eat and not feel ill.  I still feel a bit off, I think my internal parts are still recovering from the effects of not keeping anything down for 3 days.  So I plan on restarting HCG tomorrow. Again.  I am going with drops only, no patches as I don't think they work for me.  I will need to do some shopping for vegetables tomorrow, and make sure I have the meat ready to go. But I have a day or two of loading any way so it should be good. 

I plan on keeping Leslie in the mix, and some toning/yoga/pilates as well.  Being active is the end goal of all this effort so I might as well keep it in the mix while I'm losing.  Leslie is nice and easy, not that you can't make it more effort, but that the steps are simple, I don't get confused and I can actually move my feet like that.

I have a bike, it was free, and is a bit old, and wow I have not ridden a bike in years!  I took it down the street today and it was more effort than I care to admit.  I have to get back on the horse as they say, so that'll be interesting.  My son enjoyed the brief trip and was upset it wasn't longer. So we'll attempt to get to the park this week, when it's not raining or 40 with the humidex :-)

Back on track, up a few pounds from my lowest, helped to keep it closer to end weight by the food poisoning (losing 6 pounds in 2 days is rough).  Goal is 35 pounds away, or more lol, but 20 for this round of losing.  Now to do it! 

A couple workouts

And a diet restarted.  I am attempting the patches again, with a plan.  Adding in some workouts too. I got up and did 1 mile of Leslie.  Then after work I did 10 minutes of pilates type work, with my son "helping".  I plan to make that longer but we're starting with 10 minutes a day so he can adjust to mommy doing something that doesn't involve him. I ordered him a purple yoga mat so he can workout too if he wants to.  But we'll see how that goes.  Then when he went to bed I did KCM 30-minute Circuit Burn, the first workout.  I didn't realize the warm up wasn't included so I was a bit behind in the beginning.  But it was a good workout and I sweat quite a bit.  I hope to do the same tomorrow, well a different 10 minute workout (there are 5 on the disc so one per day) and a different 1 mile with Leslie (again, 5 on the disc so a different one each day).  I may try the second Circuit Burn workout.  We'll see.

Tomorrow I start the low cal part of the diet too, using shakes for breakfast, lunch and a sensible dinner. I am going to be working out so will add in the extra calories of the second shake, hoping also to stave off hunger.  I will add in some salad at lunch too.  Just some veggies so I have something to chew and add in some vitamins.  All in all, it's a good plan I hope I can stick to.

Goal is to lose 30 pounds, and keep it off of course.  I'm still at the -20lbs or so, it varies a bit, but is not too bad, I have gained back a couple pounds I think but nothing I couldn't get off with some clean eating and less blah-ness.  I've been feeling very off, like I can't commit to any workout or diet or anything.  Planning and eating right is hard.  I've been rebelling against what I think is "unfair".  All the stuff I've read about grains and wheat and gluten and all of it.  It makes me angry and I've just been stuffing my face with whatever because I want to and it's not fair that I can't do what I want, that cutting wheat is so hard and it's so addictive. 

I guess I need to get over that.  To realize that I can't blame the world and everyone else for my food problems, for my grain and wheat addiction, to blame them for causing me to gain weight.  Something to work on while I work through this month of losing.

Still hanging in there

A friend at work gave me some Body by Vi shake mix to try.  Very nice of him, not taking any money for it either.  He likes it but is only using it for breakfast and I'm not sure he's that pleased with it.  I have some other meal replacement shake mix I bought on the weekend, so the BbV will be my breakfast and the other my lunch for a little while.  I plan to start the HCG on Thursday, we're going out for lunch at work so it's a good "loading" day, mexican means avocados mmm.  I'll be using the shakes with the HCG, and adding in some walking and maybe yoga, pilates or light weights.  We'll see about that part.  I also ordered 90 servings of a high protein meal replacement, which will hopefully be here within two weeks, so I can keep going and be able to do this. 

I'm pretty sure the shakes are not exactly primal, but I'll likely be using them any way.  Eventually I hope not to but for now I'm having some trouble with my limited breakfast items, I know that there is more to breakfast than eggs, but a protein shake seems to fit the bill as easily, and perhaps prevents a bit of boredom.  This of course assumes I'll be using dairy going forward.  I hope to get very close to my goal weight by the end of this round, so I don't need to do more and can perhaps just use exercise and clean eating to get to the end. 

Work has been a bit stressful lately, there's some changes going on that are hopefully going to leave me in a good position, but I am aware that things can change at the last minute, and I'm not sure where I'll end up.  I am thinking that a promotion is coming to me, which would be fabulous for my budget, and my baby making plans, which means my weight loss plans need to kick it up a notch.  Again.  To get back on track, because that first round, I lost 20 pounds that I have kept off, and I want to get rid of another 30... I know it's doable I just for some reason cannot do it!  I  have to though, so back to it asap, and using shakes instead of cooking might help.

Plan modified

I had a plan, to plan my meals.  It hasn't worked out very well. I am not very good at planning breakfast and lunch, and sticking to them. So I have a new plan, sort of. I was going to get the Body by Vi shakes and do them along with HCG, two shakes plus a small dinner of protein and veggies.  But the shakes are expensive and hard to get, and it seems like some kind of pyramid scheme. So I've been researching shakes I can get. And today I bought a container that has 32 servings in it.  I had one for lunch, to make sure I can handle the taste, my son had one because he wanted to taste mommies and then really liked it.  That leaves 30 of them, and I am ordering some more next week after pay day, hoping they arrive before I need them, though I can get some more at the store if I want to.

I'll be using HCG as well, I'm torn over whether to try the patches again or not.  And I plan on doing simple Leslie, 1 mile a day, plus some outside walks with child and dog.  I am determined to lose 30 pounds, well I think it's 32 now actually... sigh... And then stick to primal.  I will  use these shakes until I get there, and am buying just what I need for 45 days, twice a day.  At that point I'll change up the workouts as well, maybe try the Firm Express rotation.  Right now I am getting frustrated with myself and need to get this under control. I refuse to be fat!!  Loading is a bit of a sticking point with me, I hate it.  And I'm not very good at it.  My hope is that the shakes, with their high protein content, low carb, will keep me full and satisfied more than a meal, and will prevent me from cheating.  We'll see if it works.  I expect I will have eggs and veggies for breakfast on the weekend with my son, he tends to want what I am having and while I have no real issue with him having a shake too, I'd like him to eat solids a little more. 

Any way.  I know, another start.  One of these times it'll work, and stick, and I'll get where I want to be.  Hopefully before July when I hope to get a referral to a fertility doctor to start talking about having another baby.  I need to have my eating and health sorted out by then, and to be primal/paleo.  I want to be well into a workout plan, so I can continue that throughout as well.  So, ready, set, go!  I'm off on another round.  This one to finish. 

Stir Crazy

I've been home with a sick kid for the week.  It started Sunday when I was sick, I even called my sister to come get my kid because I was so bad.  Then he got it.  So we've been home, and I've been eating crap.  Haven't gained anything but certainly have not been following the plan I'm supposed to follow.  Or exercising.  I know I need to clean my act up, to start actually following the primal eating, to do what I say I'm going to do, but it's quite hard.  I'm not sure why it's so hard.  Even HCG, why is doing a second round so hard when I know that the results are so amazing?  And I have so much left still to lose. 

So.  I have a plan, but need to put a meal plan for the week down on paper.  That is part of the plan, planning my meals Friday night with the flyers, then shopping Saturday and cooking/prepping on the weekend.  So we're ready for the week.  I'd like to do one extra meal a week so when I have weeks like this, where we are home and things are shot, we can still eat healthy things.  And I hope that it will prepare me for days when I don't feel like cooking or something, I'll have a backup. 

I also plan on doing Leslie 3 times a week, I'd prefer in the morning to get it over with, but it'll be hard.  If I do one on the weekend, it can be a longer one, and the other two shorter ones during the week.  Walking the dog and baby are also in the plans, and in a few more weeks, weekend bike rides with the kid.  Toning will fit in as well, just not totally sure which ones I'll do, probably some Jari.  Or possibly KCM.  Maybe even the Firm, so you see my dilemma?  :-)  Too many workouts to choose from!

I will do another round of HCG, I am determined to make it work, 20 pounds at least, then the last 10 or so I can do a more conventional way if I need to.  I'm sure if I had done something more conventional I'd be down some of that already, but I have a hard time with regular diets.  So crazy me, I'll jump back on the HCG wagon and go for a round 2. 

Off to plan... and make a grocery list. 

Changes and Attempts

I've given up on the patches, they may work for some people but not for me.  Heck the drops barely worked, I was taking twice what most people do on them.  So I am back to drops, re-loaded sort of, and tomorrow start VLCD again.  Again.  AGAIN!!  I am so ready to lose weight and stop with this start and stuff crap.  It's annoying.  I have 30 pounds to get off me here, that's no small order after all.  That just gets me to healthy, and I still want to be a little into that.  I am hopeful that going primal afterwards, and really HCG is basically primal as well (without the melba toast), will get me to my goals.  I will try and deal with the hunger, and focus on the goal.  I want so much to be thinner, to get into some nice little clothes and stop the jiggles.

I got all the DVD's I ordered on sale, I have so many to use now, different trainers, even one beginner kettlebell workout, I look forward to trying that one, one I get a kettlebell...  I have a variety, but most of the cardio is Leslie, I do like her basic style, I don't have to think, don't have to learn fancy steps, don't need to really think when I do it, that is the best part really.  And of course they work, you put as much into it as you want to.  Walk, jog, whatever, just as long as you keep moving.  I also prefer high rep low weight workouts, though I know the benefits of  heavy weights, I just prefer the way my body responds to high rep workouts.  When I did slim in 6 years ago, combined with some extra Leslie, I think I looked my best then.  And my best then was not really the best I'd like to look. Make sense?

So I'm back on the drops, and tomorrow start losing again, I hope it doesn't take too long to get to 20 pounds.  That is about when I am willing to consider stopping, but it will depends on how long it takes and how things are going.  I will get to my 40 pounds goal by September for sure, that is many months to figure it out.  Beyond that, we'll see what happens!

Loading

Oh my.  I didn't load like this last time.  I am so full!  I am hoping this means I'm doing it right and it'll work, and I won't be hungry (I expect a bit of hunger the first couple days).  I've had nuts, chocolate, chicken thighs cooked in coconut oil, a muffin, eggs and cheese, salmon/mayo salad.  I've also had 3 coffee with lots of cream.  And I have chips and dip in the kitchen to eat... though I'm so full I'm not sure I can... but I will do my best! 

Tomorrow I start VLCD and have some stuff already cooked, though I will need a few more things to make on the weekend.  I should be good for awhile.  I am happy to get to the losing phase again, and to actually stick to it.  I need to do this!  My goal is 26 pounds from my last weight, which puts me right at "healthy".  Honestly, 30 pounds would be fabulous but I only have 40 days lol.  After that I plan to do primal/paleo and exercise to get the rest off.  I'd ideally like to be about 125 or so in the end, though we'll see as I get closer.  I do not think I'll need to do a third full round but who knows!  Of course I also plan to have another baby so that will put some weight back on.  My hope is that the primal/paleo eating will do well to keep my weight healthy while pregnant, and keep baby healthy, and help me stave off gestational diabetes, which I had last time.  I hope to avoid it this time, as well as the pre-eclampsia I ended up with, though they never called it that, my blood pressure went up and I had to do a 24 hour urine test which led to me being induced and having my boy 2 weeks early.  If I can avoid that this time I'd be very happy! 

So my goals are clear, and I am ready to do this.  I have a bit more to eat tonight I guess... lovely lol. Who ever thought I'd not want to eat!!  Crazy.  Oh well!!  Hopefully it's a sign of the way I'll end up?  I look forward to the next 6 weeks, seeing the scale go down, and then to eating some normal stuff and avoiding grains forever.  And ever.  Oh my.  :-)

Round 2, take 2

Tomorrow I start again.  I am still debating what to do, use the patches or not.  I am thinking I will try with 2 and see how it goes, I really only plan to do 40 days any way, and am hoping I lose what I want to lose in that time. After that I will transition to a Primal/Paleo way of eating, and exercising, and drag kiddo along for the ride. 

I picked up a few things for loading, not a tonne, I really only plan to load one day since I am technically on a PI, of less than 2 weeks, so I think 1 day should do it.  We'll see I guess!  If the patches don't work I will switch to drops pretty quickly, but hopefully they do work for me. 

I have a few more videos on the way, and will be using them after HCG is done.  I plan to walk, with kiddo and puppy, weather permitting, while in P2.  I may do a bit of toning as well, depending on how I feel.  And sleep, sleep will be important for sure. I should be sleeping now but for some reason I am not.

I am hoping to get a light alarm clock, it acts like sunrise, starting to brighten a half hour before you get up.  I believe you can set music to it as well, I am hoping that the music starts when the light is full on, not as it starts to increase, but we'll see!  I can use my clock radio as back up until I'm sure the new one works and wakes me up.  Course I also have a kid who tends to get up early.  He got up at 6 or 6:30 every day we were at my parent's for Easter.  Crazy.  I hope he sleeps better tomorrow, though not too well since he has daycare. He'll be thrilled because he gets to play outside, which he loves.  I wish I loved it as much lol.

So tomorrow I will be eating eggs and cheese for breakfast, taking salad with avocado, salmon and olive oil dressing for lunch, cheesecake for a snack, some nuts and seeds to snack on as well.  Then dinner is chicken thighs, cooked in coconut oil, with some veggies, and a piece of cake for dessert.  I also have some chips and dip for evening snack, lots of fats and oils, nuts etc.  Hopefully it works out!  Hopefully the patches keep me from being hungry.  Wednesday I start the VLCD and voila... 6 weeks to a healthy weight... right? :-) 

Reading, Research and Sugar

My son and I are visiting my parent's for Easter.  My dad is doing Atkins so is carb free, but my mom, the diabetic, still eats carbs because her blood sugar drops too low (I'd suggest she lower her does of insulin but what do I know).  For Easter my dad got me some e-books, including Primal Blueprint and Paleo Solution.  Both are similar and interesting, and flow into the reading I've done already by Taubes and Wheatbelly.  Grains are bad.  Now sayign that and living it are very different things.  Our society is very much geared to including grains as part of life, and really it's hard to drop them.  Not impossible of course, but certainly hard.  I have been indulging in my last fling with these things as when I get back to home it will be back on HCG for a round (contrary to both primal and paleo ways of eating I'm sure) and then on to the rest of my life at a different way of eating.

For Easter my son got a lot of chocolate.  And we are experiencing the effects of that now, he had more than a few little eggs this morning and is refusing to nap.  Perhaps at just over 2 he doesn't really need a nap, but he certainly needs the rest and quiet time, so I'm leaving him to it, and will go get him in another half hour if he isn't asleep yet.  An hour for mommy to clear her head lol, even with my parent's to help watch him he is still exhausting because of course only mommy will do in many cases. 

My parent's are also a bit frustrating to me when it comes to how he eats.  I did baby led weaning with him, so he ate what I ate, in stick shape and fashion, in as much quantity as he desired.  He still eats what I eat in moderation, when I am doing HCG I will make him different veggies and offer him carbs with them (though I guess I don't really need to do that part).  My parent's keep saying things like "finish your dinner or you can't go outside to play" and "eat all your chicken or you have to go to bed".  It's more than a little annoying to me, because I simply don't buy into that.  I have tried very hard to let my kids natural instincts with food lead his way, I do not force him to eat but he is offered what I am having, if he chooses not to eat, so be it!  He makes up for it later, and if you average out his days, weeks, months, he is a very healthy little guy.  I am not really sure what to do about my parent's, they mean well but they are so old fashioned in this that it's hard to deal with.  I'm a single mom so its not like there is another person to back me up.  We'll manage, I keep my mouth shut and when he's done eating, he's done and we carry on. 

I have started taking him for walks with the dog, as in he walks with me instead of being pushed in the stroller.  He will still get rides as I plan to restart jogging, and he won't keep up with that, and biking, which he's not big enough for yet.  But we can go for a nice walk around the block all together and enjoy the sites and fresh air and all of it.  I plan to continue that when we get home, and I am sure it will benefit us both. 

I read Primal Blueprint and found it interesting, his ideas about exercise are good, I believe I can integrate some of that into my life, using videos because, well, I like videos.  I have a wide variety and will use them as I like, without following a set schedule, attempting to do 2 toning workouts and 3 "cardio" workouts, plus one more intense workout every week, but if I don't get them all in that's ok too.  Add in the leisurely walks and bike rides in summer, that should be a good start.  The cardio I do is mostly Leslie Sansone, walking, and bits of jogging, it is as intense as you make it.  I do sweat a bit but am not  usually drenched unless I really push myself.  Toning I have much more variety, and a couple on the way, so will enjoy them as well.  I think mixing those up will be the best way to go, and then I can do whichever ones I feel like doing.  Some are 20 minutes, and some are 30, a few are longer but they can be split up. 

Considering I am a biologist by training, and my main interest lies in ecology, the interaction of nature, I find all of the talk of the way things were as hunter gatherers quite interesting.  Once upon a time I wanted to go live in a cave and grow my own food, cut off from society.  I have mostly given up on that dream but still hold onto the dream of a self sufficient life, growing food, using solar and wind power, collecting water in cisterns, having a well.  Living surrounded by nature.  The problem with all of that now of course is I am no longer alone, I have my son to worry about, and am hopeful of having another child some point sooner than later, so it becomes about them more than me.  Maybe when I retire...

In any case.  Reading and learning this weekend, eating too much of what I shouldn't, no scale to tell me how badly I've done.  But back to work and losing as of Tuesday.  I believe I will be able to hit "healthy" with one more round of HCG, and then on into it with primal/paleo/grain free eating.  Life is looking up, and looking good. 

Going Primal, or Paleo, or Something

I'm on a break from HCG.  The patches just do not work for me, so I'll be doing the drops again when I get back from Easter, until then I am going primal, or paleo?  I guess it's primal since I'm including dairy.  I'm dragging my son along with me, though of course he's too young to know it.  He will get lots of fruits and vegetables, and some whole grains in small doses.  And getting wheat out (pasta, bread, etc) will take a bit of effort as he loves both, but we can do this, and our health will be better for it.  I wish I had done it sooner, so that by now it was second nature to both of us, but I can't change the past so will just keep going. 

I didn't quite make it back to my lowest weight, but I'm ok with that.  I know that I can get there if I want to.  When I'm ready to.  Soon.  I will get to a healthy weight.  And I am too impatient to do it with just the better way of eating, so I will do HCG again, and will succeed at it.  I can take some hunger but not what I was experiencing on the patches.  I guess they just don't work for me.  Ah well, I know that the drops do, though they are of course much more of a pain to remember to take and to not eat or drink either side of. 

Right now I have a cheesecake in the oven.  I won't be able to eat it until morning of course, but that's ok, might make a good breakfast, all healthy stuff in it actually.  It should be pretty tasty by morning, I hope!  Costly for sure too.  No carbs of course.  I know that going forward I will need to limit these indulgences, even though they are low carb and made from good ingredients, they are still not getting back to the essence of primal, so while I know they will have a place, I want to get to a place where I don't need them. 

I also ordered a few more workouts, like I need more that I don't do lol, but I will.  I need to.  I am wondering if I can do them with my son around, like when he's awake rather than waiting til he goes to bed or whatever.  He is quite good at playing by himself, but he would likely try and do the workout with me, for the walking ones that isn't an issue, but some of the others would be too much for him. Of course seeing me workout would be good for him, to see that I do this.  Might help him to do it too when he's older.

Back to preload

Weight that is.  Managed to lose everything I gained through my eat fest of loading.  I am still not back to LDW which is 1 lb away, or even my lowest weight which is 2 lbs below that, I cheated terribly mid-round last time and though I dropped low I couldn't maintain it because of the cheating.  I am better prepared this time.  Both in knowing when to stop, and in hopefully not cheating!

I am hungry, but I know that's just because it's the first few days, and I probably didn't eat enough loading as I never got to that stuffed full place because I was sick. Oh well... I am sure I'll manage! 

I talked to a friend I haven't talked to in ages and told her what I'm doing, turns out she tried last year in the fall and had a bad reaction, really low blood pressure and then lots of hair loss. She has tried so many things to lose weight, she went to Mexico to get lap band surgery... which she had to have reversed because it made her so ill.  I can't imagine all she's been through and she hates herself for her weight, going back to her mother putting her in weight watchers at a very young age.  I don't think I am quite that bad, I don't hate myself I just hate the health issues I'm in line to get.  That worries me so I'm doing something about it. 

I have tried lots of diets and the traditional exercise more, eat less calories in/out theory.  None of it worked well enough for me to stick to it.  This I know works, and is fast enough that I can stick to it for the 6 weeks I need to.  I am hoping that I will be able to get to my end goal with this round, but may need to cycle a bit.  We'll see how it goes I guess. 

I think part of my issue now is anger, I am mad at the health care and doctors who promote these ideas of eat whole grains, eat lots of carbs, eat low fat, and knowing the research that was done, which doesn't support that theory, I get angry.  How can we as a population be so deceived?  It doesn't seem right and it makes me question so much about what we are told.  I am worried about my son, he is only 2 and has his whole life ahead of him, I do not want him battling these same issues as he gets older, so how do I prevent it?  I have been so indoctrinated with the low fat, high carb lifestyle that I am finding it hard to let go of that.  He is a little kid, he doesn't really get a say.  I know he loves his pasta, and other starches, how do I change that now? 

I am angry at the conventional advice for weaning babies too, do you think they had purees in paleo times?  No, babies went from mother's milk to food.  I did do some of that in going with baby led weaning, he ate what I did, but it seems to have faltered somewhere along the way, and he now eats the same crap that I do.  I wasn't able to hold my diet to a better standard, partly because of faulty advice from the diet community, and partly because of my own issues.  So now I have this guilt over the way he's starting, and I need to fix it.

This weight loss journey is proving difficult, not because of the weight loss, but because of what I am learning, and how much it means.  I know that in these losing days I need to be setting my habits up to continue to do things like make meals, plan meals, shop smart, and feed my son well.  So it's about more than just eating few calories or taking some magic drops.  This is my life and I am reclaiming it.

Begin again

Today is VLCD 1.  And I'm kind of hungry, trying to eat only when I am hungry and just until the hunger is gone.  Problem of course is that I get hungrier when I stop eating, which is weird, but I think I am normally like that so it's not a big deal.  I hope to wake up a couple pounds lighter, at least the "loading weight" I put on yesterday.  I don't think I loaded as well as I should have, it seems something always happens so I don't do as much as I could.  But hopefully it was enough, or I'll end up not doing very well at all.  My goal this round is 145.  I'd obviously like to get lower but we'll see what happens.

Today I ate more than 500 calories, I added a protein shake to my morning as "breakfast" and that put me at 650 calories today.  I'm not too concerned about that, and will likely have the same thing most mornings especially is I am hungry in the morning.  Better than getting a donut or pastry at work. 

I am eager to get the weight off, and get to maintenance again, and to not have to do any more rounds, though that remains to be seen of course.  I am motivated to do this, and to lose the weight for sure.  I am reading a lot about wheat, gluten, carbs, hunger and low carb diets.  Decoding the science underlying it all, and finding it interesting that the same basic principals mean different things depending on who is writing about them.  That is why I say I'm decoding it.  I am trying to put it all together in a way that makes sense and that I can live with.  I get eating only when hungry, my problem is normally that I am always hungry.  But I also eat too much, even of good things, especially when I am enjoying it. 

Many years ago I saw a nutritionist to help me lose weight, it didn't help but I remember telling her I'd had a bunch of asparagus for supper, like a lot, and her telling me just because it was good, and good for me, doesn't mean I should over eat it.  That's about all I got out of my sessions with her.  I do tend to do that, even with things that are good for me, like asparagus, but also with chips and french fries, pizza.  Oh pizza.  It is remarkable to me that I can overeat on healthy things, but I know it's true. 

I will be reading more over my P2, and trying to figure out what it all means, and means to me.  I am determined to make my life healthy, and my son's life healthy.  If that means giving up bread and pasta, rice and chips, well then so be it.  I am hoping that I will discover we can both have these things on occasion, not necessarily weekly but hopefully biweekly.  I do want to set us up so that he grows up healthy and I maintain without too much effort.  We'll see how it goes but I am determined to make this work. 

Loading, and being sick

I started loading today and it is not as easy as I had thought it would be.  But I'm also sick.  About half way through the day my nose, throat and all the usual cold symptoms showed up, I feel horrible and should probably be in bed.  I will be staying home from work tomorrow and hopefully feeling better before the weekend since of course I have my kiddo to look after and whether he's sick or not he'll have lots of energy. 

I am full at least, and have eaten quite a bit, I have had cake, pizza, bacon, chips, many things.  I feel a bit ill from all of that too, so it's not really a great day lol.  But I am determined to do this and feel like I can get to a good place before my mini vacation.  Obviously I didn't go running today, which is fine, I'll get there again. 

All this food is sure to get my a big number on the scale tomorrow but I will try to remember that it's for a good reason and will come off soon.  Sunday will be my first VLCD so Monday morning I should wake up to a nice loss and be motivated to keep going even at work.  I guess no more big coffee's at work. How sad... However, I will hopefully be able to get some McDonald's dinner and maybe even breakfast this weekend.  It should all be good, and I also hope to have some nachos!  Mmm nachos. 

There are a few things I will miss in P2 but it's temporary, just until around Mother's Day this round, hopefully I'll lose what I want in that time but I am resigned to a round 3.  I don't really believe I can lose even with just a no carb diet, HCG is the only thing I've been able to stick to and see a loss with... so I will keep at that.  And rely on it to get me where I want to be.  It works.

Post 50, Hmm

This is my 50th post on this blog.  I have been feeling like it's time to get going again.  I maintained well in P3, ending at 1lb over my last dose weight, and have been staying there the past few days as well.  I am eager to lose more.  I had originally not wanted to be in P2 or on a PI at Easter because of going to visit my parents.  However, they are doing a low carb diet, so that fits with a PI, and if I happen to have an Easter egg or two... well I think I can handle that.  Looking at my schedule I am going to start loading tomorrow, and go with it.  I believe I'm ovulating which explains why I am hungry, so a good time to load lol.  Plus I may loose another 5 to 10 lbs before Easter, which would be very nice before seeing my parents again too.  So tomorrow I pop on a patch and eat like a pig. Easy peasy.

I do plan to keep exercising, and start the couch to 5k training while in P2, which is probably against the rules, but I feel better doing that.  I may have a protein shake for breakfast in order to keep up the exercise and add in the protein I'll need to do a good job with it. 

I have been reading Why We Get Fat, which is all about carbs and the folly of the low fat, high carb, more out than in diets, and it's interesting.  I know when I get to where I want to get too I will need to limit my carbs, for the rest of my life, however, I think I can live with that, if I eat pizza one day it means the next I have to make up for it.  That is doable to me, and I cannot see giving up entirely everything that I love, but can see having pasta or rice once a week instead of daily, and using bread, potatoes and sugar as treats instead of daily necessities. 

The book goes into detail about how exercise doesn't really do much, but I do think it helps to shape the body we  have, I mean it builds muscle after all and that is something I want to do, so I will keep it up, and use the dvd's I have to keep myself in the shape I want.  I am hopeful that it will also help me increase my energy and be able to keep up with my kid (and hopefully kids in future).  I find the theory interesting, especially having lived P3 to maintain for a few weeks.  I know that I can do it, though it is not easy, and certainly there are things I missed that I did have on occasion, but say that I could recover from it with ease.  Or relative ease any way. 

So tomorrow I put a patch on and Monday morning I should wake up lighter than I have been.  Happy day.  If I can get to healthy this round, by May 9th, I will be thrilled and possibly done.  I can do a round after that of course but getting to healthy and perhaps a bit into it is the goal.  The only real goal, clothes are the bonus that comes with it.  I will do it and I can do it, though I know it won't be easy, I can certainly enjoy it.  And see that it's short term, 6 weeks.  Voila. 

Last day of P3

Today is my last day of P3, and I am at 1 lb above my last drop weight, so not too shabby!  I am hoping to lose 3 or 4 pounds while in P4 but am not going to stress over that, I'll keep doing what I've been doing but will try and decrease my portions a bit and increase my exercise.  The weather promises to be quite nice, if not a little too warm for March, this week, so I should be able to get out for a walk/run everyday.  At least that's the plan. 

I have a coffee cake in the oven and it smells so good!  It's a different one from the last because I didn't have the right ingredients for that one, so this one is a cinnamon one and I'm sure it will be very tasty.  I can't wait for it to be ready to eat mmm. 

My parent's are doing a low carb diet so when I am down there for Easter at the end of my P4 I'll be doing that as well, kind of like in P3.  I will be loading when I get back and back on P2 then.  I am eager to lose more, and am hoping this break has reset my motivation to keep going and stick to the plan properly. I will be prepared, I'll do some cooking before we go down to my parent's so that everything is ready when I start.  I am also looking forward to loading :-)  There are a few things I haven't really had since I started, even though I have cheated, so I look forward to eating chips, and having some chocolate, pizza and burgers.  Fish and chips, nachos!  I have big plans lol.  Hopefully my son goes along with it. 

I plan to get to healthy during my next round, that is 25 lbs or so from where I am now.  Of course I'd love to get a bit into healthy to give me some wiggle room, but I will be happy at healthy.  People who haven't seen me in awhile have commented that I have lost a lot of weight, and when I tell them I want to lose 40 more, they say I'll be skin and bones, things like that.  It's kind of funny.  I don't see myself that way at all, I still see myself as I was 20, even 40 pounds ago.  I know I have lost, my clothes fit differently, and I look better in stuff that I used to wear, somethings are just too big.  But in the mirror, I still see my belly and flabby arms and everything else all wibbly wobbly.  So I know I have a long way to go, I guess I am just good at disguising it all?  Who knows. 

Cake smells almost done so I'm off to try it out.  I'll let it cool a little maybe :-)

Coffee Cake

Did another workout, and it was good, covers everything in 20 minutes.  Not the best I'm sure but it's enough and feel effective to me.  Especially since I haven't worked out in quite awhile, and am just getting back to it.  I'll up the time and effort when I can, and when I have time, but for now, well 20 minutes works!

I ate way too much of the coffee cake last night and yesterday, it was great, so yummy!!  I will make that again for sure.  I still have a few pieces left, though not much. I took some to work today and gave it away to friends.  They all enjoyed it as well.  I will be trying a few more things for sure, there is a low carb cheesecake as well. 

I am enjoying the way this P3 eating feels, and what it does for my body.  I am stable mable, and like the fact I can eat basically whatever I want, in moderation.  I can find substitutions for many things.  I do miss chips, but will try them again when I reach P4 in another couple weeks.  In moderation of course.  I am not willing to eat rutabaga chips.  Ever.  There are other things I will eat officially at that time, but for now, I will enjoy being this weight and eating what I do.  I don't miss somethings, like bread, or most fruit.  I do miss my coffee mate, cream is great, but coffee mate is better :-) 

I made rice for my son to go with dinner, and he loved it... what a mess... but I wasn't even tempted to eat any.  I had pork chops with Brussels sprouts and mushrooms.  It was very good, though the pork could have used a little more flavour.  Marinating it would have been a good idea.  I have a roast to do in the crock pot this week, with some mashed cauliflower.  I need to get carrots for munchin before I make it, so probably won't be until Thursday.  I'm debating taking Wednesday off, since the weather is supposed to be great compared to the rest of this week, sunny and above 0.  I might even take the dog out for a walk.  I could get a few chores done, get to bulk barn among other places, and possibly find a place for my new stroller in the garage.  That's the only place I can think it'll fit, and that's going to be tight. 

Any way.  P3 is going well, and I'm finding my body is reacting well to this way of eating, I haven't had any real IBS issues, whether it's the reduced carbs themselves or gluten or what I don't know, and won't really until I get a bit further along in the process.  But I can live like this for the most part, with occasional indulgences and a day or two after to recover.  That is what surprises me, I eat badly for one day and two days later I'm back down to my LDW.  Now if only round 2 will go better than round 1.  I am better prepared, and know better what to load on, so I am hopeful it'll go great.  I want it to.  I'd like to lose 26 pounds, to get to my healthy weight, though I also know a third round would then be in order.  So of course more would be better, and this is all assuming I don't lose anything on P4.

I found an app for my phone for the couch to 5k, which I can't wait to try out.  I am looking forward to jogging again, especially with less pounds on me.  When I was younger I enjoyed running, and I think I can again if it wasn't so hard on my knees and other parts.  I know it will be hard to push the stroller, and fight the dog, but I think it'll work out ok.  I am sure the dog will also enjoy the running, and work off some of his energy, good for everyone. 

Exercise and experiments

So far I've done 6 days of workouts, and am feeling good about that.  I do about 20 minutes after the baby goes to bed.  It's just enough to keep me feeling like I'm doing something, but easy to fit in.  When the weather is nicer we will add in walks/jogging almost daily, and I look forward to that.  I did do an extra 45 minutes Leslie walk yesterday which was kind of nice as well.  I hope to do 30 minutes tonight, so we'll see how that goes!

I have a low carb coffee cake in the oven and wow does it smell good!  I can't believe it... I hope it tastes as good as it smells!  It's an experiment using almond flour, which is not cheap!  But it should be good, I hope.  I can't wait for it to finish baking lol.  I tried to make some peanut butter cookies yesterday using my old recipe but using no salt/sugar peanut butter, and they are not very good, very crumbly which makes them hard to eat, and dry, so you need lots of water with them. I'll still eat them I'm sure, but not with as much joy as I used to with my cookies. 

My weight is still stable.  I was up a little yesterday but I expected that after eating something I shouldn't have, and back down this morning so it worked out.  Last night for supper I made "pasta" using zucchini for the "noodles" and a lovely sauce with tomatoes, beef and mushrooms.  It was really good, and I had leftovers for lunch today which was wonderful. 

I've got some lunches made up for the week, and am ready to go!  I am determined to do better and stop the big cheats.  I know I can't really lose any more weight right now, but I wouldn't mind getting a little lower in my safe range.  I look forward to P4 when I can lose, maybe, and to getting back to P2 after Easter so I can get to healthy.  That is my goal for round 2.  I am at this point thinking I will have to do 3 rounds, but the third will wait until fall I think.  I intend to keep up with the exercise while in P2 this time, and will stick with walking, and my 20 minute easy workouts. 

I think my parent's are considering this diet as well.  My mom is diabetic so it would be hard for her, but I think it's doable, and I wish she would try it because I worry about her health, I want my son to have his Nanny around for along time!  But we'll see if we can talk  about it when I go down at Easter, right before I do my second round, and  when I plan to really enjoy pre-loading lol.

P3 intermission

I took my patch off Friday so I'm in P3 now, or tomorrow?  Not sure but either way I've been maintaining so far.  I just got to a point I didn't see the point in continuing, I was cheating and feeling sorry for myself too much.  I am happier to be able to eat more, but will do a second round after Easter.  I will also start my workouts tomorrow again.  I'll be using PowerFit, all 3 versions, for 20 minutes 3 or 4 times a week, plus some Leslie walks and real walks weather permitting.  I'll start the couch to 5 k again probably in April or so... depends how I do with the walking etc and when I start P2 again. 

I'm hoping to maintain around 169, but we'll see how it goes.   I was quite bad today, went to a bridal shower and ate way too much yummy bad for me food.  Oh well... I'll do better the rest of the week.  and get some healthy stuff at Costco and Bulk Barn this week.  I got my tax refund and am getting an awesome jogging stroller/bike trailer combo, and bike in May lol.  So I'll be able to take kiddo jogging & biking this summer.  Looking forward to the option.

I'm going to try some coconut flour and almond flour to cook, I got a new mixer that is awesome and I look forward to using it!  I hope to make some oopsie rolls, and a few other things as well. Starting tomorrow, since I don't think I'm going to work.

I'm tired, and the place is a disaster, and there is still a lot to do.  I feel a bit guilty but work is suddenly sorting itself out a bit, so it's a good time to go.  Right now, I'm very tired and thinking I might go to bed early... like really early.  Like in a few minutes.  Yawn.

Work in progress

My decision to eat 3 meals, instead of 2, seems to be working.  I'm not cheating and this morning woke to a 1 pound loss, so I am exactly 22lbs less than when I started, and in the 160's.  Crazy.  I am happy with the decision, and look forward to these last two weeks of VLCD before moving into P3 & 4.  I had thought to not exercise until P4 but am changing my mind and will be starting my 20 minute PowerFit workouts in P3, along with couch to 5k for cardio.  I am getting a jogging/cycling stroller next week or so, and will be taking my son along with me for that.  I'll add in bike rides once the weather improves, and I get a bike lol.  I hope that taking kiddo along with me will show him how to be active and energized.  I also hope it will help to tighten my up. 

It's crazy that I have lost 1/3 of the weight I want to lose, and am well on my way to my goal.  But what surprises me sometimes is that when I was younger, say high school and university, I was about 125lbs, a little less or more.  And thought I was huge.  Like terrible.  How bad is that?  I mean I was at a healthy weight, and was able to wear things I can't even imagine wearing now. But still, I thought I was big and ugly.  Then about 8 years ago I lost some weight, and was about 165lbs, and thought I was fabulous.  But I was still bigger, about where I am now actually... how crazy is it that my imagine is so messed up I can't really see myself for how I really look.  It makes me sad.  I know that I have a ways to go, for sure, but I have come pretty far too. 

I can do this, and improve my body imagine.  I can look how I want, and feel pretty and fabulous.  I can be healthy and fit, and a good example for my son.  We shall see what tomorrow morning brings on the scale.  But for tonight, it's time for bed, and hopefully a good loss over night.  Or at least a loss of some sort.

Trying a new way

I've been stuck, and cheating a lot.  Part of it is hunger, but the hunger should not be unbearable really, and doesn't equate with what I've been eating.  So I know a lot of it is emotional.  I need to really figure out why I am sabotaging myself.  I think part of it is that I don't think I'll really get there, that although I have been losing a lot I won't actually meet my goals, so why bother trying.  And part of it is, what happens if I do get there?  What's next?  Add in the fact that I see in the mirror the same me I saw 20, even 40 pounds ago, and it's hard to imagine what will be. 

I have decided to try 3 meals a day instead of 2.  My hope is partly that because I will have the proper, healthy choices, available at work, I won't eat the crap I have been. It is has stalled my losses, of course, though I have been good about not gaining too much back, .4 lbs so far which really is nothing.  That does give me a big boost that when it comes time to stabilize I shouldn't have too much trouble with that.  My calories for a day should be about 750 instead of 500, I don't think it will slow my losses that much, and should give me the decrease in hunger that will help with the cheating, and having the stuff available should be helpful as well.  I only have two weeks left really, so I can do this for two weeks.  I know I won't lose 15 more pounds that I'd like, but even 7 or 8 would be awesome and I'll take it. 

I have moments when I'm almost excited to add exercise in.  I know it will shape me up nicely, and that will be nice to see.  I don't really want to start that until phase 4, just because I don't want my body to expect to get it to maintain my losses.  In phase 4 I can lose more if I want, or if it happens.  So that is fine too.  I will have to do at least one more round, I have no doubt of that.  I am nowhere near healthy weight yet.  And won't be in 2 weeks.  But I can get closer. 

Part of my stress and overeating is related to work, I have accepted a new job and I'm not sure I should have.  I really like my current manager, I like working for him, and I have learned so much from him.  But there are other factors involved, and I need to move on.  But it's making me a bit sad, and a tad annoyed that he didn't "fight" for me.  I can only hope I'm making the right choice I guess.  But it's causing stress, which is causing chocolate bars to find their way into my hands.  And mouth.  And there you go... I need to deal with that, and face it.  It seems silly I'm sure, I mean either way I have a great job that pays really well, but it's just hard to change I guess.  Change is hard.