Extreme weightloss

I'm watching extreme makeover weighloss that was on the other night.  It's an interesting show, they take a year to lose weight. They have big goals and get big rewards for them.  They do exercise and eat "right" of course.  I'm watching this episode and she quit her job to focus on her weightloss.  I guess she felt it was worth it. I'd love to be able to not work and focus just on me.  Even on mat leave I wanted to do more but of course had a baby to look after.  I know that I need to be able to focus a bit on me.  But I also need to focus on my son so all my time is not my own.

I do want to focus on his health as well, which means I want to focus on both of us eating better, going primal as they say.  I have a plan to plan lol. I know that I will have to make a meal plan, and do biweekly cooking. I don't think once a month cooking will work for me only because it's a whole day commitment and I just can't do that with a toddler.  So I'll split it in two and use his nap times to get some of the cooking done.  I get flyers now, which is nice, so if I can start my meal plan and be able to shop Saturday morning, no more than two stores, then cook Sunday afternoon, I'll be set. 

As for exercise, I need to do that.  I have been very unmotivated to do anything, I think I have a touch of depression.  It's not nearly as bad as I've experienced in the past, Jackson is a natural antidepressant for me, so he helps a lot.  I know that exercise will help, it's fitting it in that is the issue for me now.  Do I get up early to do it?  Do I go to bed earlier so I can do that?  Or do I do the workout after Jackson goes to bed at 8?  That's close to bedtime, if I workout too hard at that time I may not be able to sleep.  I need to pick something and stick to it.  Make a decision.

As strange as it may sound, decluttering my houst might help my overall motivation.  Tomorrow is a travel day, so Jackson goes to daycare for the morning and then I pick him up after lunch to go visit my parents for the weekend.  I plan to use the morning to clean.  I want to get the living room and dining room liveable again, tidied and cleaned up.  I have Tuesday off as well and will use it to do some more work.  It's supposed to be vacation but I want to get my room, and the guest room, cleaned up as well. There is a lot of garbage and junk sitting around that needs to go! Even if it only makes it to the garage, at least it's out of the house. 

I know I need a plan, and starting with cleaning may seem odd but it will hopefully help me feel in control and like I can do something.  It needs to be done, and I will do it in 15 minute blocks.  I do have a few other things to get done tomorrow, like laundry and packing, but I'll work that in with cleaning, alternating tasks until I get something done and feel better.  And then I will need to make a plan, next Tuesday I need to make a meal plan and a shopping list, and get that eating and exercise thing going.  I can do it.  Without quitting my job.

Back to preload

Weight that is.  Managed to lose everything I gained through my eat fest of loading.  I am still not back to LDW which is 1 lb away, or even my lowest weight which is 2 lbs below that, I cheated terribly mid-round last time and though I dropped low I couldn't maintain it because of the cheating.  I am better prepared this time.  Both in knowing when to stop, and in hopefully not cheating!

I am hungry, but I know that's just because it's the first few days, and I probably didn't eat enough loading as I never got to that stuffed full place because I was sick. Oh well... I am sure I'll manage! 

I talked to a friend I haven't talked to in ages and told her what I'm doing, turns out she tried last year in the fall and had a bad reaction, really low blood pressure and then lots of hair loss. She has tried so many things to lose weight, she went to Mexico to get lap band surgery... which she had to have reversed because it made her so ill.  I can't imagine all she's been through and she hates herself for her weight, going back to her mother putting her in weight watchers at a very young age.  I don't think I am quite that bad, I don't hate myself I just hate the health issues I'm in line to get.  That worries me so I'm doing something about it. 

I have tried lots of diets and the traditional exercise more, eat less calories in/out theory.  None of it worked well enough for me to stick to it.  This I know works, and is fast enough that I can stick to it for the 6 weeks I need to.  I am hoping that I will be able to get to my end goal with this round, but may need to cycle a bit.  We'll see how it goes I guess. 

I think part of my issue now is anger, I am mad at the health care and doctors who promote these ideas of eat whole grains, eat lots of carbs, eat low fat, and knowing the research that was done, which doesn't support that theory, I get angry.  How can we as a population be so deceived?  It doesn't seem right and it makes me question so much about what we are told.  I am worried about my son, he is only 2 and has his whole life ahead of him, I do not want him battling these same issues as he gets older, so how do I prevent it?  I have been so indoctrinated with the low fat, high carb lifestyle that I am finding it hard to let go of that.  He is a little kid, he doesn't really get a say.  I know he loves his pasta, and other starches, how do I change that now? 

I am angry at the conventional advice for weaning babies too, do you think they had purees in paleo times?  No, babies went from mother's milk to food.  I did do some of that in going with baby led weaning, he ate what I did, but it seems to have faltered somewhere along the way, and he now eats the same crap that I do.  I wasn't able to hold my diet to a better standard, partly because of faulty advice from the diet community, and partly because of my own issues.  So now I have this guilt over the way he's starting, and I need to fix it.

This weight loss journey is proving difficult, not because of the weight loss, but because of what I am learning, and how much it means.  I know that in these losing days I need to be setting my habits up to continue to do things like make meals, plan meals, shop smart, and feed my son well.  So it's about more than just eating few calories or taking some magic drops.  This is my life and I am reclaiming it.